Posts
The final call for Honduras Gumbo
11 years ago
Thursday, March 25, 2010
3 Days Later
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Televicentro documentary
Okay, they've posted the documentary. You can see it at:
http://www.televicentrotv.net/new/blogs/blog13/
It's about 15 minutes and is in Spanish...sorry, no English subtitles yet!
http://www.televicentrotv.net/new/blogs/blog13/
It's about 15 minutes and is in Spanish...sorry, no English subtitles yet!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Being Gumby
There are a few of you out there that are old enough, like me, to remember Gumby. He was this green rubbery toy with flexible wires inside that allowed you to bend him into any contorted form you wanted to. I often call our son Michael "Gumby" when he does some completely unnatural thing with his arms or legs, like bringing his foot up behind him and touching it to his forehead. It totally freaks me out, but other tween and teenage boys think it's really awesome.
I think God wants all of us to be a spiritual Gumby, soft and flexible, allowing our "owner" to bend and shape us however He wants to. I can not tell you how many times over the last 5 years I have felt the Lord leading me in a certain direction (one I did not want to go!) and I would stiffen and say "no, I won't do that." No, I won't be a missionary. No, I won't give up my business. No, I won't have Kevin stay at our house. No, I won't have knee surgery. No, I won't move to Honduras unless I can build my own house first. No, I won't home school my kids. You get my point.
One of my "no's" was Marvincito. If you've followed the Micah story for any length of time you are acquainted with Marvin. He came to Micah 2 weeks before our first visit in 2007, along with Wilmer. He is 15 years old (now), has never known his father, his mother left for Guatemala when he was a little boy. He lived with an aunt for awhile, but she didn't really want him so he ended up getting swallowed up in life on the streets, numbing his emotional pain with a bottle of glue. In the 2 1/2 years since he came to Micah he has gone back to the streets and the glue several times. It doesn't seem with Marvin, though, to be so much the physical addiction to the glue but an intense spiritual battle raging within him. He has seen the power of God and wants to follow him, but after years of emotional pain he has built so many high and thick walls around his heart that he is unable to accept that the staff at Micah really, truly, love and care for him. He constantly tests the limits and boundaries of that love pushing those that love him the most the hardest and the farthest.
When we arrived in November we found Marvin to be withdrawn yet angry and confrontational. He had confrontations with the staff on many occasions and one incident just before Christmas resulted in him having to leave for 10 days over the holidays. He came back in January but was still angry and argumentative. After 6 tumultuous weeks he had a somewhat minor inicident with one of the staff. Refusing to take the steps to resolve the situation he chose to leave Micah. It had been explained to him several times that if he left, this was his last chance, but he chose to go anyway. His 15 year old mind, however, didn't believe that this was the final straw and within a week he was back asking to come back into Micah. When he showed up over an hour late for the staff meeting to determine if he would be allowed back or not, it was decided that he didn't want both the responsibility and the benefits of living at Micah and he was turned down.
He moved into a house in one of the worst, most drug infested neighborhoods in town and was soon huffing glue again and basically living in the streets. He showed up at street kid soccer a couple of times with his usual angry defiance, demanding that he be given video games or other items that were left at Micah. The hardness became more evident with each passing week. He repeatedly showed up outside the doors of Micah and tried to manipulate his way in for this thing or that and, we believe, was instrumental in Hector leaving for the streets a couple of weeks back.
All of the staff and many of you were praying that the Lord would break Marvin, to bring him to the absolute end of himself. But, I am ashamed to admit, that even as I prayed this way I had given up on Marvin. He was a lost cause and the point of blame for many of the others problems.
There is a fine line between grace and enablement in ministry. When you have 12 teenage boys with a variety of problems living in one house, when and how do you decide that the issues arrising from one of them outweigh any potential benefit for that person or any others? We've only been here 4 months, I certainly don't have the answer to that question.
Last Friday Brian James was sick so I made the food for Nightstrike and planned to just drop it off and come back home. When I arrived at the soccer field, Marvin was there clinging to Becca. There was no anger or defiance left in him, he was just a broken little boy. He sobbed uncontrollably, lamenting about the choices he made and the effect they would have on his life. Becca was heartbroken, after pouring so much of herself into him for the past 3 years and now not being able to do anything to help him. She said we would try and find a family outside of the city for him to live with. He would have left immediately but she explained the family didn't exist yet, we had to find one. Brian was distressed as he tried to comfort Marvin, also knowing there was nothing that could be done to help him. I was saddened to see him crushed and desperate, knowing all of the opportunities that had been placed before him and were now lost.
When I came back down from the terrace John, Becca, Brian, and I talked briefly and decided that if they could find Marvin they would bring him to our house if he would come. They did find him, not in the usual spot, but waiting at a gas station on Boulevard Morozan. The attendant was surprised when the 3 gringos got out of the car and walked over to Marvin. He said Marvin had been there for about 2 hours and had been telling him that North Americans were going to come for him and this was his last night on the street. The attendant had not believed him, of course, but here they were. Brian simply said "listo?" (ready). Without a word Marvin got into the car and headed home.
So, without a plan B in sight here we are. Marvin is staying in the room Hannah vacated just Friday morning. He's come off the glue high and is very subdued and quiet. He plays video games and basketball, talks with the boys, sleeps, and seems to be very unsure of himself. I've never seen him look like such a little kid as I did last night at dinner, a frightened little boy trying to be big.
John and Becca came by yesterday and we talked with him. Micah is most likely not an option for him, and it shouldn't be his motivation. His motivation needs to be to do whatever he has to to be healthy and alive. We told him that we will take things one day at a time and pray for God's guidance, that he may have the option to live here and be part of our family.
When Brian told me yesterday that an e-mail had been sent out to many people asking for prayer and a possible home for Marvin, I was surprised at the reaction inside of me. I didn't like the thought of him going to live with anyone else. And then I thought "what's up with that? Why don't I like it?" So I'm trying to be Gumby like. I put my hands in the air and cried "whatever you want Lord, lead on."
One of my "no's" was Marvincito. If you've followed the Micah story for any length of time you are acquainted with Marvin. He came to Micah 2 weeks before our first visit in 2007, along with Wilmer. He is 15 years old (now), has never known his father, his mother left for Guatemala when he was a little boy. He lived with an aunt for awhile, but she didn't really want him so he ended up getting swallowed up in life on the streets, numbing his emotional pain with a bottle of glue. In the 2 1/2 years since he came to Micah he has gone back to the streets and the glue several times. It doesn't seem with Marvin, though, to be so much the physical addiction to the glue but an intense spiritual battle raging within him. He has seen the power of God and wants to follow him, but after years of emotional pain he has built so many high and thick walls around his heart that he is unable to accept that the staff at Micah really, truly, love and care for him. He constantly tests the limits and boundaries of that love pushing those that love him the most the hardest and the farthest.
When we arrived in November we found Marvin to be withdrawn yet angry and confrontational. He had confrontations with the staff on many occasions and one incident just before Christmas resulted in him having to leave for 10 days over the holidays. He came back in January but was still angry and argumentative. After 6 tumultuous weeks he had a somewhat minor inicident with one of the staff. Refusing to take the steps to resolve the situation he chose to leave Micah. It had been explained to him several times that if he left, this was his last chance, but he chose to go anyway. His 15 year old mind, however, didn't believe that this was the final straw and within a week he was back asking to come back into Micah. When he showed up over an hour late for the staff meeting to determine if he would be allowed back or not, it was decided that he didn't want both the responsibility and the benefits of living at Micah and he was turned down.
He moved into a house in one of the worst, most drug infested neighborhoods in town and was soon huffing glue again and basically living in the streets. He showed up at street kid soccer a couple of times with his usual angry defiance, demanding that he be given video games or other items that were left at Micah. The hardness became more evident with each passing week. He repeatedly showed up outside the doors of Micah and tried to manipulate his way in for this thing or that and, we believe, was instrumental in Hector leaving for the streets a couple of weeks back.
All of the staff and many of you were praying that the Lord would break Marvin, to bring him to the absolute end of himself. But, I am ashamed to admit, that even as I prayed this way I had given up on Marvin. He was a lost cause and the point of blame for many of the others problems.
There is a fine line between grace and enablement in ministry. When you have 12 teenage boys with a variety of problems living in one house, when and how do you decide that the issues arrising from one of them outweigh any potential benefit for that person or any others? We've only been here 4 months, I certainly don't have the answer to that question.
Last Friday Brian James was sick so I made the food for Nightstrike and planned to just drop it off and come back home. When I arrived at the soccer field, Marvin was there clinging to Becca. There was no anger or defiance left in him, he was just a broken little boy. He sobbed uncontrollably, lamenting about the choices he made and the effect they would have on his life. Becca was heartbroken, after pouring so much of herself into him for the past 3 years and now not being able to do anything to help him. She said we would try and find a family outside of the city for him to live with. He would have left immediately but she explained the family didn't exist yet, we had to find one. Brian was distressed as he tried to comfort Marvin, also knowing there was nothing that could be done to help him. I was saddened to see him crushed and desperate, knowing all of the opportunities that had been placed before him and were now lost.
As I drove home I prayed again for Marvin and was overcome with a sense of urgency and dread for him. Saturday had me at home doing my usual tasks and Brian in town with a team that arrived from St. Louis. Sometime during the afternoon I felt the Lord asking me to bring Marvin home that day. "Uh, no, no, I won't do that", I responded and pushed the thought out of my head everytime it came. The boys and I went into town about 5:00 for the welcome dinner for the team. Brian pulled me aside a short time later and asked how I felt about bringing Marvin home for awhile. "What? Are you crazy? Why would you do a thing like that?" I shouted. He then told me that several times during the day he felt the Lord asking him to bring Marvin home and as much as he tried to push the thought out of his head, it wouldn't go away.
Arrrrgggghhhh!!! We talked with Michael, who had then entire group pray for guidance. I went to the terrace and prayed some more, crying "why do you keep asking me to do things I don't want to do?" Why? Because I am the one that needs to be continually broken. I am the one that needs to be shaped and molded into the person God intends me to be. I am the one that is the lump of clay in the potters hands. It isn't about what I want to do, it's about what He wants to do through me.
When I came back down from the terrace John, Becca, Brian, and I talked briefly and decided that if they could find Marvin they would bring him to our house if he would come. They did find him, not in the usual spot, but waiting at a gas station on Boulevard Morozan. The attendant was surprised when the 3 gringos got out of the car and walked over to Marvin. He said Marvin had been there for about 2 hours and had been telling him that North Americans were going to come for him and this was his last night on the street. The attendant had not believed him, of course, but here they were. Brian simply said "listo?" (ready). Without a word Marvin got into the car and headed home.
So, without a plan B in sight here we are. Marvin is staying in the room Hannah vacated just Friday morning. He's come off the glue high and is very subdued and quiet. He plays video games and basketball, talks with the boys, sleeps, and seems to be very unsure of himself. I've never seen him look like such a little kid as I did last night at dinner, a frightened little boy trying to be big.
John and Becca came by yesterday and we talked with him. Micah is most likely not an option for him, and it shouldn't be his motivation. His motivation needs to be to do whatever he has to to be healthy and alive. We told him that we will take things one day at a time and pray for God's guidance, that he may have the option to live here and be part of our family.
When Brian told me yesterday that an e-mail had been sent out to many people asking for prayer and a possible home for Marvin, I was surprised at the reaction inside of me. I didn't like the thought of him going to live with anyone else. And then I thought "what's up with that? Why don't I like it?" So I'm trying to be Gumby like. I put my hands in the air and cried "whatever you want Lord, lead on."
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Talk About Creating a Ruckus!
I received many positive, encouraging comments after my last post and want to give a great big thanks to all of you that did send comments. Your prayers and support are wind beneath my wings!
However, it seems that my openness and transparency was very uncomfortable for some and ruffled some feathers. So I am going to clarify a few things for those that are clucking their tongues.
Regarding our house: We did not just up and walk away from our house. We placed it on the market in May, 6 months before our scheduled departure. At that time the average number of days on the market in Beaverton was 90 days. As much as we had hoped, it did not sell prior to our departure. We had a durable power of attorney drawn up prior to leaving and have someone in Portland handling everything related to the house. Earlier in 2009 we applied twice with our lender for a loan modification hoping to get the payment low enough to keep the house and rent it out. You know, the modifications they were supposed to do after they got their big fat bail outs? Unfortunately we were turned down on both occasions. We do not have the income to pay our mortgage there and our living expenses here. There is a short sale offer pending, in process for 3 months now. But our lender doesn't appear to be in any hurry to complete the process and instead issued a notice of foreclosure. According to our realtor and others we have talked to, there is nothing we can do to get them to process the sale more expeditiously. We just have to wait.
Regarding the stress of transitioning to Honduras:
According to http://www.aspexdesign.co.uk/psych_lifechanges.htm, if you add up all of the items on this list that our family has gone through in the last 12 months we are at a score of 276. Most people are incredibly understanding and supportive about the difficulties we have had, but there are some that shake their heads and say "I don't understand why they're having so much of a problem. After all, they visited Honduras so many times, they knew what they were getting into." etc, etc, etc.
Yes, we did visit. But visiting with a date to return home is nothing like moving forever. We did know what we were getting into, but knowing doesn't prevent the stress of doing it from happening. As I said, depression is not anything new in my life. I've dealt it for as long as I can remember. It is one of Satan's favorite tools to try and sideline me. Having gone through that time of darkness doesn't mean we did anything wrong with the way we transitioned to Honduras. It doesn't mean we are more or less spiritual than anyone else. It is just a chemical reaction in my brain in response to external events...or internal events. I tried to convey in my writing how I felt that the Lord was using that time to bring me to a certain place with Him, and the grace and mercy He has shown in bringing me through that. I tried to explain that I have come out the other side now and that it was a necessary experience to draw me closer to the Lord.
I believe that the Lord has given me a gift for writing and that part of our ministry here requires me to be as transparent as possible in that writing. I see no point in putting on a mask and pretending to be the ultra-spiritual missionary. I don't hear harp music all day long or walk around with a holy glow. It's just life, like everybody else, trying to do my best to walk the path that God has laid out before me. My initial knee-jerk reaction to the tongue clucking was to say "fine, I'll just write my blog posts and only state the facts". But that is not what the Lord wants me to do. So, instead, I'll say this: if my openness and transparency is uncomfortable for you, if you would prefer to not know the real life stuff of being on the mission field, I apologize but I can't pretend to be anything other than what I am. I will continue to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly while we are here and pray that the Lord will work through my writing to minister to those that read it.
Living on the front lines and thankful for it,
Natasha
However, it seems that my openness and transparency was very uncomfortable for some and ruffled some feathers. So I am going to clarify a few things for those that are clucking their tongues.
Regarding our house: We did not just up and walk away from our house. We placed it on the market in May, 6 months before our scheduled departure. At that time the average number of days on the market in Beaverton was 90 days. As much as we had hoped, it did not sell prior to our departure. We had a durable power of attorney drawn up prior to leaving and have someone in Portland handling everything related to the house. Earlier in 2009 we applied twice with our lender for a loan modification hoping to get the payment low enough to keep the house and rent it out. You know, the modifications they were supposed to do after they got their big fat bail outs? Unfortunately we were turned down on both occasions. We do not have the income to pay our mortgage there and our living expenses here. There is a short sale offer pending, in process for 3 months now. But our lender doesn't appear to be in any hurry to complete the process and instead issued a notice of foreclosure. According to our realtor and others we have talked to, there is nothing we can do to get them to process the sale more expeditiously. We just have to wait.
Regarding the stress of transitioning to Honduras:
According to http://www.aspexdesign.co.uk/psych_lifechanges.htm, if you add up all of the items on this list that our family has gone through in the last 12 months we are at a score of 276. Most people are incredibly understanding and supportive about the difficulties we have had, but there are some that shake their heads and say "I don't understand why they're having so much of a problem. After all, they visited Honduras so many times, they knew what they were getting into." etc, etc, etc.
Yes, we did visit. But visiting with a date to return home is nothing like moving forever. We did know what we were getting into, but knowing doesn't prevent the stress of doing it from happening. As I said, depression is not anything new in my life. I've dealt it for as long as I can remember. It is one of Satan's favorite tools to try and sideline me. Having gone through that time of darkness doesn't mean we did anything wrong with the way we transitioned to Honduras. It doesn't mean we are more or less spiritual than anyone else. It is just a chemical reaction in my brain in response to external events...or internal events. I tried to convey in my writing how I felt that the Lord was using that time to bring me to a certain place with Him, and the grace and mercy He has shown in bringing me through that. I tried to explain that I have come out the other side now and that it was a necessary experience to draw me closer to the Lord.
I believe that the Lord has given me a gift for writing and that part of our ministry here requires me to be as transparent as possible in that writing. I see no point in putting on a mask and pretending to be the ultra-spiritual missionary. I don't hear harp music all day long or walk around with a holy glow. It's just life, like everybody else, trying to do my best to walk the path that God has laid out before me. My initial knee-jerk reaction to the tongue clucking was to say "fine, I'll just write my blog posts and only state the facts". But that is not what the Lord wants me to do. So, instead, I'll say this: if my openness and transparency is uncomfortable for you, if you would prefer to not know the real life stuff of being on the mission field, I apologize but I can't pretend to be anything other than what I am. I will continue to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly while we are here and pray that the Lord will work through my writing to minister to those that read it.
Living on the front lines and thankful for it,
Natasha
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